Deep

Today, Shaa updated her blog Here and I realized that my blog is meaningless. It's so shallow, simply stating random thoughts, events, and just anything that comes to mind that it's worthless. Shaa's blog, which is updated very rarely, but every time there's some meaning to it. Some deep feeling or sophisticated analysis of herself or the things around her. This is my 37th post this month, and there'll be more to come, but most of them don't have any point... They're just words with no depth. It makes me sad when I realize this. I realize that I am not a writer. I can't organize my thoughts in such a way. I can't really organize my thoughts at all, unless I'm having a discussion with someone. If someone wants to discuss some deep philosophy like the universe or the presence of a god, I can. But if I want to actually write something, it branches off into who-knows-what. It's sad, but I accept it. I'm a reader, a talker, never a writer.

(If you want proof, ready my fail on fanfiction.net or deviantart.com)

WTF

so there was a new "traffic source" on my stats page, and i was like "I wonder what this is" so I click it and it's a porn site (couldn't tell from the url, sadly.)
HOW DO YOU GET TO MY BLOG FROM A PORN SITE??????
I clicked it and was like OH GOD and exited REALLY REALLY QUICKLY.
But still, how do you get to my blog from a porn site???
I'm really confused and rather disgusted.

Masquerade

I picked up my dress and it fits like a dream now! So as long as I don't gain or lose a substantial amount of weight, I should be fine by prom. :D
And I started working on my mask, also, and it's starting out nice. Had a little trouble with the glue at first. Stupid lace didn't want to stick but oh well, it worked out eventually. Now I have to put the tulle on and then the sparklies. >w< I'm going to look awesome, if I must say so myself.

Avatar

So I watched it again, and every time I do I wish that Pandora were real, that Na'vi were real, and that I could go there. I love the ideas, the togetherness of the land and people. I know it's basically the ideas of the Native Americans with an alien twist. But the landscape, the animals, the people, the ideas, the togetherness. I don't know... I just love it.... When the humans kill the trees, the animals, the people, it's weird but I can feel the pain and sorrow... It makes me cry. And even at the end when you're supposed to be happy, I'm still sad. Sure, the fight is over, but it won't bring back those who are lost.




On a very unrelated side-note, I love the name Dante. Don't know why.

NONSTOP NYAN CAT

Can you beat my 38525.4 seconds of listening to it non-stop? http://nyan.cat

I'm pathetic

I'm still hung up over the prom thing from my earlier depressing posts. Not that much, I control it, but there's a little twinge every time I see that text. The way my phone is set up, it shows the last text I got from someone in a folder of all the texts from that person. But I don't dare delete the text and I don't know why. And every time he's on facebook, that little twinge happens again when I see the chat icon. Always in that top left corner. Facebook prods me towards it, telling me to click it. Today I did. I saw my last IM. Where I told him that I'd hid a ricola in his backpack. Twinge. I was on formspring and connected with fb, and it added a bunch of friends. I was smiling, going through them, then I don't even really remember what it said exactly, but it was something she said about how he was her date. Twinge. I'm sorry for dumping this on you, and I normally forget it... but it's just that twinge... that damned twinge.

War Novels

To review for my AP English test when I get back from Spring Break, I decided I would re-read and review a stack of books that I've read throughout high school. The first one I read was The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien, which is about Vietnam. Now I'm reading All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque, which is about WWII. Whenever I pick them up or put them down, I'm surprised as to how light they feel, but how heavy the content actually is... I don't know, I'm weird.

The weirdest thing ever...

I burped (cause I'm a lady) and all of a sudden, in the middle of it, I sneezed. Then the burp continued as if nothing had happened... It was so weird.

Lamp

In the process of posting that last post, I had forgotten that I had left my lamp on near my arm and then I moved my arm back into the bulb. Which was hot. So my arm hurts now. I just feel dumb, and I feel that you internet people deserve to know that I'm an idiot. :D

I forgot...

About the dumb quote things... so here's another one!!!

Me: "I only look good when I try"
Shaa: "You should try more..."

----
That's mostly it, but after that it was...
Me: "That sounds really bad" -laughing-
Shaa: -freaking out- "I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT" D:
Me: "yeah, because I grow on people"
Shaa: "I DIDN'T MEAN THAT EITHERRRRRR"


The "grow on people" thing is from an earlier conversation where something shaa said sounded really mean, but totally wasn't. It was something like people think I'm annoying and weird at first then I grow on them, and they end up liking me.

Shaa does that a lot. She'll say something with innocent and completely non-malicious intent, and it just sounds bitchy. It's fun to hold those things over her head and she'll freak out trying to explain that that wasn't what she meant. (Love you, Shaa, seeing as you're probably going to read this~).

Idk I'm feeling all poetic and random. Feel like I should write it down. You get to see it.

Leaning against the wall
war
death
sadness
friendship
float before my eyes
behind me there is the outside
the deep rumbles of a truck
the bass of a song
This wall that leads to the outside
which I used to lie against
when falling asleep
and dream that it lead elsewhere
a secret world
a secret room
somewhere where I could run and play
But it leads to the outside
No magic
no place of my own
so safe little haven to be myself
just outside...

But outside there is everything!
there is life
and past
and present
and future
everything is everywhere
and everywhere is outside
so still
through this wall
as I float through images
there is still that place for me
that one place outside




yeah. made that up as I went. It started while reading All Quiet on The Western Front, then I heard a truck go by, then I felt poetic, then I remembered how I used to dream when I was little that I had a secret room behind that wall, and at night or when I was sad or angry I could just roll through the wall and be somewhere happy and fun... It would be nice if that were true...

YAY

I got my glasses and my fedora today!!!!
So now Shaa and I can have our Mafioso Mondays.
And all I have to wait for is my prom dress.
Which should come in soon.
I'm excited.



On a side note: I want a two terabyte external hard-drive. :D

Random Tangent

I extremely dislike when I get out of the shower and try to put clothes on, but I hadn't dried off enough so I find it incredibly difficult to actually put on my clothes.

Schedules II

Another morning with a small breakfast, then no lunch, then the dentist, then a small packet of dehydrated apples, then zumba, then a slightly smaller-than-normal dinner. I think I'll try to lose 5-10 lbs. I mean, I'll be healthier and I'll probably feel a lot better about myself. Eh. I don't know. I should start making good habits before I go off to college all alone.

Schedules

Spring break, and just breaks in general, mess up my schedules. A lot. During school I'd eat a small breakfast around 8, a small snack around 10:30, lunch around 12:30, and dinner around 6:30. I would wake up at 6 and go to bed at 10. Do I follow a pattern during break? Absolutely not. Last night I went to bed at 11. The night before I went to bed at 3 (am). Both mornings I woke up in between 8 and 9. Saturday night I chilled with  Kaden, Shaa, Ari, and Karina. After Kaden and Karina left, Ari, Shaa, and I went and bought junk food and ate (and drank about 2/3 of a 2L mountain dew) at around 11:30. Last night Shaa, Kaden, and I went and hung out. We bought candy, and we ate that at around 9:30. Today I ate a clif bar. Then around 6 I realized that that was all I had eaten, and I should go to zumba on an empty stomach, so I ate a bag of Apple Crisps (they're dehydrated XD) and drank a glass of water (only liquid I'd had too). Then I went to zumba. Then I came home and ate dinner. Now I'm staying up until I decide to go to sleep. Tomorrow, I'll probably hang out with my friends and not sleep until 3-4 in the morning, and I'll probably eat a ton of junk too.

Facebook mocks me.

When the guy I like it on facebook, he's always on the top left hand corner of the little chat box whatevers. Always. Without fail. It's like "wow facebook, thanks." It's almost as if it says "Go on, click on it. Talk to him." and I have to remind Facebook why that would be extremely awkward.

I STILL SMELL GOOD

From last night. Kaden and I were trying to find props for the Alice in Wonderland shoot and we found some of my mom's old perfume. I ended up smelling them all, but one of them was the kind that you can't take the top off and you have to squirt it so I sprayed some on my wrist and luckily it smelled good, but I just went to push some hair out of my face and my wrist still smells nice. :3
(Just btw, my mom won't mind because she can't wear it anymore--it gives her a headache, so she won't mind. AND we found one that we MAY be able to use for the shoot, but we're still going to look.)

Odd

I have a hard time telling people how I feel, however, I have no problem writing a blog post about it and posting it for the entire internet to see... I suppose I feel that the internet is somehow not connected to other people because I can't see their faces. I can't see their reaction to what I'm telling them. They don't feel obligated to reply if I say something funny or sad. They just read it. It's done. That's all. I don't know. I just find that funny. ^^"

Waiting

I'm looking forward to getting three things that I've already ordered: My prom dress, my glasses, and my black fedora. I'm trying to be patient, but they're just so awesome that I want them a.s.a.p.
The dress is probably what I'm looking forward to most. It's super cute and I can't wait to get it so I can start making my mask (and possibly getting some long gloves, just to feel extra-fancy).
Next would be my glasses. I'll be able to see long distances!!!!!
Then the fedora: I already got the white one for Shaa but the black one was on backorder (I think it's in the process of getting here? idk) but then we're going to have MAFIOSO MONDAY. And a photoshoot. Cause we're the awesome people who will dress up like Mafia members and go take pictures in some warehouse-type area. I'll probably upload a picture for you guys. XD

Spring Break

It's turning out awesome. Friday night Kaden stayed at my house, then yesterday morning (because right now it's 1:07, so it doesn't feel like yesterday, but it is D: ) we went to plant plants at the local woodsy place with Ari, then we went back to my house (except Ari) and watched movies and chilled. But on our way back we discussed an Alice in Wonderland photoshoot and looked for places and tried to mentally put together outfits and characters to models (a.k.a. friends :D). Then we went and watched Arthur (excellent movie, btw) with Shaa, Karina, and Ari. Then we drove around and went to the rape-y bathrooms. But then after we chilled for a while Kaden had to go home. Then we took Karina to her friend's birthday party, then Ari Shaa and I went and bought ice cream, cheetos, and 2L of Mountain Dew. We drove to the bay and sat eating, drinking, and talking. Then Shaa really wanted salami so we went to Ralphs and bought Salami and Ritz. Then we went to the park and sat in the car in the parking lot eating and talking. And now I'm really jacked up on Mountain Dew and sugar so I don't think I'll be able to sleep. But I have a feeling that this spring break will be the best one yet.

Time to Think

I had way too much of it today. In Calculus we had a sub, so we were supposed to review, but because I hardly had any sleep last night, I couldn't concentrate. I mostly doodled and napped. Then in English we had a little party and ate and watched Dead Poets Society (excellent movie, btw), then in Photo I finished my one little worksheet and then had the rest of class with two girls curious about how the asking went so I had to explain it to them. But I had a realization: Yesterday he was standing in the 200 hall (where my class is) with a friend, looking like he was waiting for someone/something. Then I went to class, not really thinking (I couldn't even make eye contact with him, or else I would have blushed). But the girl he's going with has that class with me. He was probably waiting for her. So he could ask her. IF ONLY I HAD ASKED EARLIER!!! Damn. But oh well. I'm just really stupid and afraid what people will think of me so I hide my emotions until people get pissed at me (like my friends) or I get pissed at myself for being stupid. Which I finally did. But I was too late. And now I'm angry at myself.

Oh yes, another reason that I'm stupid. On Tuesday I was childish and did the "he loves me, he loves me not" thing with a daisy. It went to "he loves me" and it made me happy. Why did I believe a childish flower?

-sigh- How am I supposed to sleep after this?

So as I said in my last post, I hid the note in his backpack, but it was attached to a ricola (cause it's kinda our thing but nvm about that). So I got tired of wondering if he would find it, so I sent him a message on facebook saying that I had hidden a Ricola somewhere in his backpack, cause I was a ninja like that. Then I tried to go to sleep, cause I felt accomplished and brave (derp). But pretty soon I got a text, which confused me, I thought it was an alarm or something (and I was almost asleep, too). But I didn't recognize the number. He said that he found it. And that he already had a date. And that he was sorry. I tried to send a casual text back saying that it was okay, that I would go with my friends. But I knew that this was why I would never be able to ask that sort of thing in person--my face would give me away when I was trying to be strong.


(wow, sorry for the really kinda depressing post and all, but I was lying in bed and I don't think I'll be able to sleep very well tonight and I just had to get this off my chest. I'm sorry, internet, for dumping all my problems on you.)

Fail.

Well, so I was going to ask today, as most of you know. But he wasn't there at lunch. So Koi asked some of his friends. One of them said that he already had a date but she didn't know who. So I kinda didn't want to ask anymore. So I took the note and stuck it in his backpack. I kinda hope he finds it but then again... Oh well. And to make today worse, Calli brought in a mouse this morning, and I saved it from her, but then when I came home it had died. So probable rejection and dead cute fluffy mouse don't equal a good day in my books. Even though when I had to put it outside in the yard waste (my mom made me, I almost cried) I walked back inside and saw a spider on the wall. I thought "At least I can save one little life today." and let it stay there. I'm glad to say that the spider is still there, just a little bit higher on the wall.

And it didn't help at all that I woke up with a crippling cramp in my calf, and had to limp everywhere until I was able to fix it, but even then it was sore all day.

Tomorrow.

I'm going for it.
Wish me luck.

Operation: Wink -- Failed.

So I was thinking about my lack of self-confidence and so I woke up at 5am this morning, took a shower, put on makeup, and got ready and whatnot (Like I said this morning in my last post), and I had a plan. Which I named Operation: Wink. You see, Shaa and I normally pass by the guy I like on our way to science, and when we passed him, I was going to make eye contact and wink at him. The thought was that if I winked, I would be on his mind for at least a little while, wondering why the heck I winked at him. So I'm all pretty today, dress, earrings, necklace, makeup, and tights, right? Well, we don't pass him. In fact, I don't see him until my last class of the day. What a downer, right? Wrong. I actually got a compliment (from a friend who wouldn't lie about that, lol) and so I knew I had achieved the look I was going for. Confidence boost. I had a conversation with him in which we made eye contact for quite a while. Confidence boost, (except when the teacher said that we had to speak in french, which pretty much flat-out kills every conversation in that class).  I'm going to his volleyball game later. BOOST. But on the way home on the bus, I was really happy about today. That was, until some douche-bags in the back of the bus got in trouble, and the bus driver pulled over and reassigned them seats. At first I was just thinking "I want to go home" because I really had to use the restroom. But no, it got worse. One of them had to sit by me. And I picked up my heavy backpack and my lunch box, fit them both on my lap. My backpack was practically squishing my bladder. To make it worse, he slid over as close as he could to me, so that his leg was practically squishing mine. And I'm in a dress here. That is not okay. It totally killed my mood. So much so that I practically stalked home in eight minutes. It normally takes me about twelve minutes. But hey. I've always got that volleyball game later, right? And I wrote a story! Because Shaa and I were talking about it during science, and then I spaced out, and then somehow I had said "I'm too short to do that" and she looked at me and I was like "WHAT DID I SAY???" I remember the thought though. And I wrote a little story for Shaa like I promised. I might upload it during the summer. A nice little thing called "Operation: Last Resort"

Mornings

So this morning I woke up at 5 (stayed in bed until 5:10), took a shower, put on makeup, and did everything else that I do to get ready in the morning, and I was completely ready by 6. I leave the house at 6:45-6:50 every morning. I found out that I have time to be a girl, I just choose not to! Maybe I should try the same tomorrow, but get up normally? Nah. I don't mind not being a girly-girl. But sometimes it's fun to be. :D

Plus, I'M WEARING A DRESS! AND IT'S COLD OUTSIDE! TAKE THAT, WEATHER!

How I hold a plate

So I was eating chicken, and my mom looked over at me in the middle of a conversation and said "You use your boobs to hold  your plate." I looked down and I had my plate resting on my chest, and I was holding it up with my knee while I used my hands to eat. I started laughing, and my dad and brother started making comments. And I don't know where I'm going with this, so I'll just end it with this: The chicken was delicious.

Les Panties!!!

So first to explain the title. We were in French class, playing Pictionary. The word was "mini-jupe" or "mini-skirt" for those who don't know French (it's not that hard to figure out). But the person who was up, she drew a stick figure and drew a little triangle at the bottom. We all thought it was underwear. I yelled out "LES PANTIES" not even knowing if it was a correct French term or not. Now it's a sort of inside joke. BUT ANYWHO, BACK TO THE MAIN REASON FOR WRITING THIS.

I went to Kohl's and my mom said that they had a panties sale. So I went to look. I found four pairs (it was five for however much money) and was looking for another. I came across these panties that were red, had some ruffles, and a big black bow on the front. I didn't care that they only had extra smalls. I bought one anyways. They were just too ridiculous to pass up. I thought "I might be able to fit, I normally wear smalls anyways." I washed them (ALWAYS WASH YO PANTIES) and then tried them on. Turns out, they don't fit. My butt's too big. But hey, if I ever try to lose weight, my goal would probably be to fit into those ridiculous panties. But until then, they shall sit in my drawer and make me smile every time I see them.

I thought I was going to have a new pair of confidence-panties; I thought wrong.

BAHAHAHAHA

http://www.mangafox.com/manga/demashitaa_powerpuff_girls_z/

VOCALOIDS

I'm watching a ton of vocaloid videos on youtube. But now I've gone onto dubs. ^^'''' (mmmm sexy man voices) (that sounds really weird, but yes.)

Romantic Tragedies

Why do I keep insisting on staying up late, and watching movies and reading manga that make me cry? Every time I do this I end up bawling my eyes out for no good reason at all. But tonight was romantic tragedy night, all because I started watching Tuck Everlasting, which I haven't seen in a long time. Then I was going to watch Titanic, but Netflix didn't have it on instant watch, so I went onto mangafox.com, clicked on advanced search, checked romance and tragedy, hit search, and then went through the one-shots that I liked the sound of the summary of (and the art style) and proceeded to cry at the end of every single one.

PROM UDPATE

So I got a dress.
Turns out it's short.
I'll have to upload a picture once it's done being adjusted and I get it back.
I'm going to make a mask after I get it back.
It's going to be pretty.

Baka

It hits me sometimes (a lot, recently) that I'm really an idiot.

Senior Portraits

They finally came in!!!!! and instead of ordering photographs, we paid her for taking the pictures, and we get the files. So we don't have to buy photographs if we don't want to.
My mom texted me that they were in and it made me really happy. And when I got in the car to go to an optometrist appointment, she told me that when she saw them she texted my dad "OMG!" and my dad replied with "omg your daughter is beautiful?" and I laughed. "OMG I'M PRETTY" was my reply to that...
But then I actually looked at the pictures. Normally I don't like pictures of myself, but these were just.... they were gorgeous. I got home and uploaded them to the laptop right away. And right now they're being uploaded to facebook. I already have one up as my profile picture. It amazed me how extremely blue my eyes were. And she didn't edit my eyes at all. (she did some creative editing with some photos, such as making them black and white, faded, or black and white while keeping one thing colored).

If you're not added on facebook, and you want to see one, I can upload a few to here, but only if you comment. ^-^

Prom!!

The prom theme this year is masquerade. Which is awesome. Unfortunately, I want a ball-gown type dress (which are expensive, but most are). I have a bunch of dresses bookmarked and I would like some help getting through them. I narrowed it down to 19. This is where you come in! Please vote for no more than five using the number in front of the link. (the | means one vote the * means someone specifically said it was their favorite)


1) http://www.promdressshop.com/Prom-Dress-Vizcaya-87016.aspx |||*

2) http://www.promdressshop.com/Prom-Dress-Mori-Lee-8728.aspx

3) http://www.promdressshop.com/Prom-Dress-Mori-Lee-8748.aspx |

4) http://www.bellaboutique.com/store/product.php?productid=5201&cat=277&page=2 |

5) http://www.bellaboutique.com/store/product.php?productid=5686&cat=277&page=3 ||

6) http://www.bellaboutique.com/store/product.php?productid=3398&cat=277&page=3

7) http://www.bellaboutique.com/store/product.php?productid=5005&cat=277&page=4 ||||

8) http://www.promgirl.com/shop/dresses/viewitem-PD589090

9) http://www.promgirl.com/shop/dresses/viewitem-PD604342 *||

10) http://www.promgirl.com/shop/dresses/viewitem-PD591157 ||

11) http://www.promgirl.com/shop/dresses/viewitem-PD592771 |

12) http://www.cbslimited.com/alyce-designs-prom-dress-6035.htm |

13) http://www.cbslimited.com/flirt-prom-dress-P1515.htm *|

14) http://www.promgirl.net/clarisse-prom-dress-1343.html |

15) http://www.talkaboutprom.com/red-sweetheart-neck-beaded-ball-gown-tpd147-p-182.html

16) http://www.dressilyme.com/prom-outfits/elegant-prom-dress-with-first-class-fabric-in-fashion-design-pd-9458/ ||

17) http://www.dressilyme.com/prom-outfits/contrast-color-draped-quince-gown-pd-8506/ *

18) http://www.prompartydress.com/quinoa__formal_prom_dress-pX2835.html |

Please comment with your votes~
(updated with new votes when they happen)

THIGHS OF STEEL

So while everyone else will be "walking like they had anal sex" last night (in the wise words of Ari), I'm perfectly fine. It's most likely all the zumba I do. Including the songs where we do squats. My legs don't hurt at all even after dancing for about two and a half hours, most of which was jumping or getting low (and I mean LOW).
Other support that I have thighs of steel:
  *When I was at Koi's house, Shaa and Kaden tried to keep me out of the bathroom (we were being homo/nonhomo. It was like wrestling, but not as technical? idk we were messing around) and I was trying to get in, and I got inbetween the doorway and the wall and kept pushing. I almost overpowered both of them (with the  help of making very awkward noises to make them laugh), but then they tried to run (it failed btw).
  *When I went to get a physical, the doctor was like "you have very strong legs" and I was thinking "what? how? I don't do anything! but then I remembered and thought "herpaderp"

But yes. I have Thighs of Steel. :D

Neon Dance

It was awesome.
Okay... People who don't know me: I am an extremely shy person. And there's this guy I like. And most of the dance I tried to dance with him while being really shy and not really trying to let him notice that I was trying. (I ultimately failed, by the way, but I had a ton of fun with my friends.) But my friends and I all met up before the dance. At around 11:30 AM (the dance started at 8 PM) just to get ready. We all had an amazing time.
But yeah! back to my fail-love-story. I'm an incredibly weak person when it comes down to it. I don't like talking to people when it feels like it'll be awkward; even if a conversation is all I want to have at that point, I won't say anything because it makes it seem like it'll be weird. They guy I like is a grade under me, doesn't really hang out with me, and I only have one class with him (granted it's a small class, but it's that group of friends and me... so I'm the odd one out even though I believe they make an effort to include me...), so when I talk to him on facebook or something, it's mostly about that class, and if we had homework or not. Most of the time I ask if we had homework I know if we do or not. But it feels like I ruin any conversation by asking about that class constantly. But I don't really know what else to talk about without making it awkward... I'm very afraid of awkwardness. It's one of my largest fears (others being death, noises coming from the darkness, zombies, and the unexpected)... I don't know. I'm sorry that this post is all boring and personal but I figure that if people actually do read this then they might be able to comment with some tips........................ (please do... I kinda want to ask him to prom, but that would be weird, because then whose group of friends do we go with? His or mine? what would we talk about?? How am I going to ask??? What if he turns me down???? I don't know, I'm just super introverted when it comes to guys. I mean, I'm a senior in high school and I've never: kissed anyone, danced (slow or normal) with a boy (or anyone outside my friend group, we're normally in a circle :D), or dated anyone. I'm terrible with it. Stupid shyness. And when I finally get the nerve up to talk to someone, I feel like I killed everything. GAHHHHH.)))))))))

Again, sorry for the stupid, insecure, worthless rabble that this post is. :D

ON A SIDE NOTE!!!!! I just had a 44oz soda which was half root beer, a quarter dr. pepper and a quarter coke. IT'S LIKE CRACK. (SUPER HYPER YEAH!)