Workout Plan

So yesterday, I did my first workout for the Seventeen Magazine thing for the pact with Shaa. The workout for yesterday called for two 3lb weights, which I didn't have. So I took two old socks that I don't wear anymore, and filled them with rocks. The first time I weighed them, they were ~2lbs each. The second time ~3.5lbs each. I was like "forget it, I'm not changing them again" so I tied knots and started my workout. Today I woke up and thought "well, I'm not too sore, that's good" but throughout the day I started hurting. My back and my legs are so stiff and sore it's sad D: But I'm going to do my workout for today. -seriousface-

Artistic

I'm really artistic right now, and it might be because I just started a new Deviantart just for my photography, I'm putting all my acceptable photos up, and taking a whole lot more on this lovely 3-day weekend.

If you want to see the photographs, there's a link [Here]

Something I normally forget....

So I tend to forget this a lot, even though my friends sometimes tell me...
But lately I haven't been feeling the best about myself. I lack confidence, self esteem, and in my opinion, a whole lot more. But I have to learn to like myself a lot more. Sometimes I feel that if I'm proud of myself, or something I do, or even give myself a compliment, I'll get full of myself and I'll become arrogant, or maybe I'll start thinking I'm better than people. It's a trait that I don't like in others, so I try to squash down even the slightest hint of thinking that I'm actually a good person. But every once in a while people will tell me that I'm pretty, or I'm smart, or I have pretty blue eyes (can't deny the last part... they are blue...), but I feel that if someone says that I'm good at something or that I'm pretty then it's a hollow lie to make me feel good about myself.

But at the same time I want to be told that I'm pretty, or smart, or just given a compliment. I'm constantly looking for signs that people accept me, that I'm a good person, or that I have some redeeming quality that allows people to be my friends. Now, I'm sorry for you guys who are reading this, and it's not a push towards you guys to reassure me that I have good qualities... it's just a way that I can say my feelings, and not have to see the face of the person I'm telling it to. I can't see what I'll assume to be judgement in their eyes. I'm actually a very insecure person, and it's most likely because I don't let myself believe compliments, or I don't let myself think nice thoughts about me... That's actually a problem that I have when I have to write essays about myself (to colleges and such). I've repressed every notion that I have good qualities that I don't even know them. I have to ask my friends and family what they think my good points are.

I'm sorry if this post seems sad or depressing, I'm just trying to figure out what I feel...
But back to the title.
When I'm feeling down, like this week in particular, sometimes I'll let myself think something good about me. I'll look in the mirror and think "Damn I'm hot" or I'll think about school and think "ya know what? I'm actually pretty smart." But once I'm back up and feeling fine (normally after hanging out with my friends, because when I'm not "fine" I'll just sit in my room or sleep or something. Or read.... reading normally helps) I won't let myself think those things anymore. I'll point out everything that's bad or average about myself. Then I'll get down again. It's a never-ending cycle.

But the school year is almost over. It's almost summer. Next week, Shaa, Ari, and I are going to start a work-out pact (Because of the Seventeen Magazine subscription Shaa and I have now). I'm going to get into shape (not like I'm fat or anything, just unhealthy), eat better, start studying harder (maybe...), and work on my confidence. Summer is a time for me to just let go. Once I graduate, I'm going to make myself bolder. I'm going to do things that I've never done. I'm going to learn how to flirt. I'm going to flaunt myself in a bathingsuit instead of trying to cover my stomach. When I get to college, I am going to make new friends, start new relationships, maybe even get a boyfriend (winkwink). This blog post is my promise. Normally I don't tell anyone that I'm trying to change myself, that way if I fail I don't get embarrassed. But not this time. You can read this, and you can help pick me up when I fall. For that I thank you. <3

Sometimes people just piss me off.

So I was in Economy today, and we're starting this project (RIGHT after we turned in a project) where the class splits into two groups and we try to come up with a product and business and everything, and we're competing with the other group to get a grant from a benefactor. So I look at the paper and I'm thinking "wow, I won't be good at any of this... except maybe the 'promotion' subgroup... cause I can film, take photographs, and edit them... I'll try to get into that group -smile-"
So we discuss the products. Before we even divide into subgroups, I ask our elected "president" if I can be in the promotion subgroup. She says "yeah sure" and I thought she wrote it down (she wrote something down). Then someone was like "Yeah, we have to split into groups". And I thought to myself "Well I don't have to worry about that~" But oh no, I had to worry. Because I heard her say "You three in promotion" and I looked up. Three boys who would no doubt just have fun and mess it up were just put into my group. So I ask "Can I be in promotion group?" And she looks at me and says "It's already full. How about you go into distribution group, instead? It's pretty much the same thing." So I just sit there and think "How the heck is advertising and figuring out how the product gets from A to B the same thing? You said I could be in the group five minutes before we even picked groups." It made me wonder if she was playing favorites or if she forgot. Instead of asking again I should have said "I'm still on promotion group like you said I could be five minutes ago, right?" But no, I tried to calmly explain that the only thing I would be good at would be promotion group because I have a nice camera that can film and photoshop elements and I can make posters and stuff. What did the boys have? Nothing. Just a silly idea that they would film a commercial. So now I'm on a subgroup that I know nothing about and probably won't do well on. I don't even know who's on the group with me. Raver was going to be, but the pres decided that she should be on a different subgroup.

And to make everything better, when I was going home, I thought I would have a quiet ride home with either my brother or Shaa. But I didn't know that my brother still had tennis (so I ditched my stuff in the van) and walked to the spot, and apparently Shaa had already left (I don't blame her or anything, she probably had something to do), so I had to wait for the bus in the wind and cold, then sit on a seat filled with crumbs (luckily I got my own seat though... But it was in the mid-back of the bus) where people were yelling and throwing tortillas. I tried to drown it out, but it was terrible. I wanted to snap at them all and just tell them to all shut the eff up, but that wouldn't do anything. Then I had to wait. And walk home in the wind and cold.

But when I got home there was a seventeen magazine waiting for me :D

Over Him

I'm having a perfectly fine Facebook conversation with the guy I used to like and I realized something... I don't feel anything towards him anymore. It's sad really... The only time I actually have a decent 30-min or something conversation with him, I don't feel anything other than just the pure joy of talking so someone. Oh well. And this doesn't really deserve a blog post so....


LADY GAGA IS AWESOME. I'm listening to the new album on Youtube (I'll probably stay up later than I should), and it's like... omg... yay... I could listen to this forever...

Birthdays, Q-Prom, and Crazy Dreams

So It was Koi's birthday tomorrow, and his sister invited Mariah, Ari, Shaa, Karina (but she came late), Kaden (but she couldn't come), and I for a surprise breakfast. We showed up at around 9am, and waited quietly in the living room. Koi's mom called him out, saying that breakfast was ready, and so he walked out of his room and walked towards the living room. At the last second (before we yelled "Happy Birthday!") he mumbled "Gotta pee" and turned into the bathroom. We all had to keep in our laughter, because he didn't see us yet. But when he got out we all yelled happy birthday and everything, and ate some delicious breakfast. :D

After we ate we didn't know what to do so we chilled in the living room (and ate Ho-hos). We watched some TV but we mostly ended up taking naps. After we all woke up, Koi's mom ordered pizza and we ate a lunch/dinner type thing. Then we went back into the living room and napped more. But after that we played a game of Quelf and then we got ready. Ari did some really awesome paint with a fork and the purple body paint I had. It was tribal and almost henna-ish. But we got ready and headed out.

So we went to Q-prom, which was awesome. I made a mini-cuff (just three rows, but it broke halfway through the night). And so it was at the Children's Museum (so I ran around like a little kid most the time) but we danced and had fun and everything and I'm glad we went. I saw a lot of good friends there. And the Q-prom king and queen was cool. (I didn't know anyone running) The prom Queen was this chick named Charlie and I wanted to ask her where she got her outfit but I never really had the chance to (It was so cute! I was jealous) but I wanted this guy named Nira to win. (I really like that name, btw. "Nira". It's my backup name just in case I have two daughters. Rizelle and Nira).

But afterwards Shaa, Karina, Ari, and I went to Denny's. We were pretty much on crack by that point, and we were giggling and whatnot and we were just loud and crazy.

But yeah! I had this dream, and it was one of those dreams that keeps happening, but not exactly the same, they just parallel. But the parallels are: There are two groups which are mostly made up of assassins, and they try to catch each other (they're reported as "killed after capture" but in all the dreams I had the feeling that they never died), but there are exploding robot dogs that always mistake me as a target and I have to hit them off of a high place so they don't really explode then I fall down a hill of some sort. But in this dream there was Koi's mom who worked in the organization, and she brought us all to work with her, and she brought us to this one place and dropped us off at this desert place. And we had to trek to the building cause she had to do something beforehand. So one of my friends who I had seen at Q-prom was there, Raver, and she was this freaky assassin chick. Nothing like her normal personality. And when we walked up this hill, I got a thorn (which was a special thorn that won't come out of skin for some reason) stuck in my leg and Raver leaned down and said "they stay in for every person you've killed." (but I wasn't an assassin and idk if I had killed anyone.) But it was super-weird. But then we got to the top of the desert-hill and there was the big compound below. And I started crawling all stealthy-like to impress my friends (all in good fun) and this cute robot dog thought I was a trespasser and tried to blow me up, so I hit it into the air and I ended up having to roll down the hill cause of the blast. But then it went into a little in the future where we were inside the compound and Koi's mom was giving us the tour.
We walked into a cell and there was this guy who I had seen at Q-prom (idk his name, but in the dream his name was "Iso" (pronounce ee-soh)) And I had never actually seen a prisoner before, but I felt that it was wrong to kill people for being rivals. Idk it was weird. But then it fast-forwarded to the future and I had two little kids, a boy named Iso and a girl named Nira. (I guess I really liked the name) but I looked at my son and  wondered what happened to the original Iso, and I felt he wasn't dead. So I went and asked the lady in charge and she was like "Oh? Him? He was turned into this color" and pointed to a gold swatch. (I guess when people are killed they turn into colors? It made sense in the dream) And then idk... I think I woke up... Either that or I forgot the rest. OH WAIT. There was one part where they had captured a little girl and they were sewing her a dress and I wondered why they would make them nice clothes if they were just going to kill them. More evidence towards they're all still alive. But it was a really weird dream.

Anywho! I got home at 2 and woke up at 8 and tried to wash the paint off and ended up taking an hour just to scrub it all off. And now I should really be working on a project for school which is due Tuesday but I think I'll get breakfast/lunch first because my stomach started growling. :3

Trucks.

They remind me of puppies.

Poems

I wrote one... and I like it... it's on deviantart if you want to read it... I also think that I'm improving in my photography... I took a really nice picture (in my opinion) today... I'll link :D

Poem: Abyssal Memories Falling
Photos: Lacuna, Faces

It's Monday

And the weather is slightly bipolar. But my mom's gone all week (she's been gone a couple of days already), and I've realized that I'll be a pretty good mom. I don't know. But the other night, my brother was like "Hey, can I go to Nicki's house?" (idk if I spelled her name correctly), and I responded (even though he was asking Dad) with "As long as you're home by 11." He looked at me and said "I was asking Dad, but if he says no then I'm asking you." So my dad says no (like the sarcastic person he is), and my brother says "Okay. Hey Soy, what time are you planning on going to bed?". I knew what he was getting at so I was like "Ohhh I don't know, I'm kinda tired... But I'll probably stay up until you get home so I can yell at you if you're not home by 11." and he was like "DARNIT" and walked out the door, with me saying "No sex, drugs, alcohol, be safe!" and my dad looks at me and says "You'll be good at this". It made me happy, because I've always thought that I would be a terrible mother. But oh well. And I've made dinner the past couple days (not very good, but edible and I appreciate the practice), and I've had the instinct to clean things and wake up early just to take care of things. Is this what happens when you get responsibilities? You suddenly become more responsible???

Confirmation

A friend of mine, Sierra, was being confirmed yesterday, and Shaa and I (neither one of us Catholic) decided we would go to support her. So since Sierra and Koi's church was being renovated they had to go to one kinda far away, so Shaa and I get all spiffy, get in her car, and set off to find the church. We're quiet most the time, a little bit of talk, but mostly quiet. But we get into the town where the church is, and we pass it and I yell out "SANTA ROSA CATHOLIC CHURCH!!!" cause that's what we were looking for and Shaa yells out "1174???" Because that was the address we were given. So we pass it and start freaking out (not really, but we were being super-loud, and we probably looked like freaks actually I'm pretty damn sure we did) And so we go to a Rabobank which was the next pull-out, and turn around the the parking lot, which launched a story from Shaa of her childhood (She lived in that town when she was little) about how she went to a field trip to the bank that was there (was not a Rabobank) and they ate dinosaur cookies. So we made it into the parking lot of the church, and we sat there. Sierra had told us to look nice, so Shaa wore a skirt (she doesn't normally) and I wore a dress (which is normal...) but as we sit in the car kinda spazzing actually really super-spazzing we start looking at what the other women were wearing as they got out of the car. Pants. Pants. Pants. We were laughing and yelling and just freaking out. We hardly knew anyone in there, and neither of us were even Catholic. Luckily we walked in and Koi was sitting with his parents in the back. We sat down in the pew behind them. Koi sat back with us. We were saved.

The service was really nice though, a bit formal for my taste, but it was an experience. I like experiences like those, they let me see things in different ways. And Sierra was confirmed (as well as other people) and there were the basic church-things and all (I don't feel like explaining the entire service so I'll just stop here like the lazy-ass I am)

But after the service, Koi, Shaa, and I went into the other room for cake. (yay cake). But then after that we went to Bob's Big Boy for dinner (it was 8-something or 9-something idk the exact time). But Koi, Sierra, and everyone got there before Shaa and I (because Shaa was being tailgated, so we slowed down and yelled at him/her like the stupid people we are just to piss him/her off. But we get there and Koi and Sierra come to sit with us and they tell us that when they showed up, the restaurant was closing but they re-opened cause they saw them pull in. But we ended up having a lot of fun, and ate food, and Koi and Shaa tried to get me fat by telling me to mix the vanilla and chocolate malt extras (Cause Shaa had asked earlier if I wanted to share a malt and I said sure, and they bring you the glass with it and then some extra in the metal shaker. Shaa pushed the metal shaker over to me and was like "you can have this". So I was like "wow, Shaa, you give me the leftovers??? {jokingly, of course} and then Koi was like "you can have mine too, you can mix it". So I did. And it was good. But it was probably more than a normal malt...)

I probably shouldn't have eaten that much last night, cause this morning when I woke up my chest hurt and I was like "WHAIII????" But I think I'm fine... XD But yeah, Rayden woke me up, begging for breakfast, but I was like "Give me half an hour" (My mom's gone, and she normally feeds them at 4:30-5 in the morning {"them" being the dog and the two cats, but we have two dogs staying over for a bit}) So I get up, and go open the garage a little for him, and he just rubs up against the door like "feed me" so I close the door (he's in the garage now, but there's a dog door he can get through) and get the cat food ready. I open the door, and he's gone. So I whistle for him, which normally works, but he doesn't show up. So oh well, I'll just leave it on the counter for when he comes back, right? He hasn't come back yet, and it's been two hours. Guess he wanted outside. But I fed the dogs, so that's done. XD
And right now I'm the only one up. This what be what it feels like for my mom... I should make breakfast for everyone, but I'm not hungry yet and I don't think anyone's going to wake up yet. I mean, it's only a little after 8... I'll wait a couple hours.


OH YES. I almost forgot. A few days ago, Shaa, Sierra, Koi, and I went to the GALA (gay and lesbian alliance) to get some Q-prom tickets and we were like "They're going to assume things about us that aren't true". But what we were really worried about was Sierra saying something "gay" "homo" and other related words are common in her vocabulary, and they're not always the nicest things. She doesn't really have anything (other than a slight homophobia) against homosexuals but it's the generation where people just say things without thinking, it's a disease. So we're in there, and there's a Q-group meeting going on (so there's quite a few people) and we ask for the tickets, and hand over the money, and during this, Sierra hasn't said anything (thank goodness) but we hear behind us "oh, we get new members every week!" and we're all thinking "OH GOD ASSUMPTIONS!!!!!" So we get outside with our tickets (the guy had given us three hot pink ones and a neon green one) and as soon as our feet hit the sidewalk, Koi grabs for the green one, and I forget who it was aimed at or really why but Sierra said "Wow Shaa, way to be gay" within earshot of Q-group. All our eyes widened and Sierra's face turned bright red.

So after that we were walking around in Farmer's Market and we were thinking of ways to stop Sierra from unconsciously saying things that could be considered offensive. And Shaa remembered that a while ago, she would always do the Justin Bieber beginning of "Baby" and it pissed me off soooo much because then it would get stuck in my head. So every time she did it, I bit her. So whenever Sierra says "the f-word" or "the g-word" or "the h-word" then I'm supposed to bite her or someone's supposed to hit her. I haven't had to bite her yet, but it's the threat that counts.

BUT THAT LEADS TO SOMETHING AT BOB'S BIG BOY. So our group is really judgmental, and we assume things (funny, ain't it?) about people. So there was this obese guy buying pie. And Koi points him out. (But I was eating so I didn't see) and then a while after he left, the judgmental subject came back, and as I was sipping my mixed-malt, John said "there was a fat man buying pie" and I started laughing. And then I thought I'm a terrible person. I really need to stop that. We all do. It's what'll get us in trouble in the future.


ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE, Rayden just came in and he was all purr-y and love-y and then he walked into my room, and I went in so that I grab him and give him his food, and I open the door, and lo and behold! A dead bird. And it's a present. For me. So Rayden rubs against my leg and purrs and I'm like ROAR. So I grab a latex glove and a paper plate to go pick it up, apologize for my cat taking it's life, and toss it in the yard waste. Where there was still a dead mouse from Calli. WHY DO THEY BRING THEM IN MY ROOM??? But the funny thing is that Calli always goes "grrr this is mine" and Rayden goes "I killed this for you :3" But it was a pretty good-sized bird... Rayden doesn't really hunt that much, but I guess he's good at it. (He even caught a dragonfly once when he was littler)


Anywho, that's my EXTREMELY LONG boring and completely not deep like Shaa's blog post!

Immersion

I feel quite relaxed, as if I should just be floating... but I really want to just listen to music. As I said on my facebook status "I want to float in a world of music, pure sound, no distractions..." And speaking of facebook, I think I stopped myself from caring if he's on or not. I don't get the same feeling around him as much. I think I've lost hope and I'm slowly giving up... I don't know, but hey, it might just be that my feelings weren't really real. I don't know. I only have my minimal experiences to go off of. Maybe I'll know later on in life, maybe I'll never know. But it doesn't matter, I'll just have to see how I feel by the end of school to see if I want to go through with a little "backup plan" or "last resort" (nothing bad, I promise) that I've been thinking of.

Prom :D

Dude I had so much fun. We went to Ari's and ate delicious mexican food that Tina made, and then took a ton of pictures (my death heels made me trip in an uneven field during one, then while eating my heel caught on my chair and I fell again) But then we showed up at prom at 9, and I got so many compliments and gave out so many compliments... But when they announced Prom King and Queen I was kinda disappointed. Idk why really, I didn't even get to vote. But yeah, I saw the guy I liked (and he did indeed look spiffy) and his date (and she was so pretty and I ended up complimenting her and giving her a hug, cause she actually is nice). But yeah, RIGHT AFTER SHAA LEFT, THEY PLAYED BORN THIS WAY WHICH SHE REQUESTED TWO OR THREE TIMES. It was funny. But then we went to Ari's to hot tub and I borrowed a suit and it had these high hips and low back and I'm like D: then I realized that I actually looked good in it. But we had a really good time just chilling. XD  We left around 2am and I fell asleep on the ride back home and got home, put pj's on and fell asleep. I woke up at like 9:30 am and I was like "I kinda want to sleep more" but I couldn't.

On another note it's mother's day and I'm going to go to zumba with my mom at 1.

Prom is today~

So the final update will either be when I get home or tomorrow (because I know that you all love when I tell you about little meaningless things such as my feelings.)
But anyways, I'm going to start getting ready in a little, then go find a mother's day present with my brother, who's going to drop me off at a thing for Camp (I don't really have to go except to check in I think, so I can get off soon and come home so Mariah and I can get ready :D)

So... I hope (though I know I will) we all have fun!!!

Hurr

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while.


DUDE SO yeah I was happy today.
After school we ended up going to Kaden's church with Shaa and Steven (her prom date :D) and helped with a Mother's day flower arranging thing. Then Shaa and Steven had some prom stuff to get for masks from Beverly's and then Steven's suit from Men's Warehouse. So Shaa and I are just chilling there while he's trying it on, and guess who strolls in? The guy I like and one of his friends. And I got to see him in his tux. :D

I was sooo happy and Shaa and I talked a ton about stuff (including the guy I like, superpowers, looking spiffy, and different kinds of friends) In short, even though I took a three hour english AP test this morning, it was an amazing day.

(Plus I have French tomorrow so that'll be all "hurr I saw you in a suit and you looked niiiice..." except he would've looked better if he had a vest.)