----This is the actual card we gave her (mostly, some things don't copy from a word doc----
It was going to be the best present ever. They were going on… The Quest for Derp Fish.
They started off, Black Eyed Peas blasting in the car.
Towards Petco.
Towards koi.
Towards the best present ever.
The rain pattered off the windshield, some clinging desperately to the glass only to be brushed aside by the careless wipers – “Sssssch tsssssch!” they seemed to scream out. The smell of Red Bull lingered in the air, along with the sounds of laughter, as John and Eliane looked at each other with a shrug. They could neither hear what Shalica and her mom were laughing at, nor understand it, but they continued on until they reached their destination—Petco. The car screeched to a stop as Shalica’s mom parked the car in an awkward fashion…they had finally made it to the rendezvous point.
They walked in, excited about their endeavor. This present was going to be awesome! Distracted by dog treats and funny childhood stories, they walked back to the treat bar. They pointed out the dog cookies, saying that they seemed realistic; John even said they tasted like “normal cookies”. They laughed and moved on. Determination was deep-set in their eyes. Shalica’s mom walked away to find what(everthehellshewasgonnabuywhichcostedtoomuchdamnmoneyanyway) she was going to buy; John, Shalica, and Eliane walk towards the fish. The FISH!! Scanning the fish, the three friends desperately search for the derp koi. No luck. Eliane broke off from the group (ridin’ solo, ridin’ soloooo), and looked for any other fish that was worthy enough to be deemed “derptastic”.
“Hey guys, come look at this one!” She called to the others with excitement in her voice. This fish was perfect. It had a blank stare and a permanent crooked smile. It was derptastic. Everyone’s heart beat in limitless excitement. It was sixteen dollars—within their price range! Whut whut? They made a pool of their money, one hundred dollars in all.
“Okay, time to get a tank.” Shalica started to walk off down an aisle. They all followed her down to where the tanks were, and picked one out. It was a ten gallon tank for fifteen dollars. Eliane mentioned that they would need some sort of lid. She figured that they didn’t need much protection for the fish, just a little wire mesh lid would be fine. They grabbed one—ten more dollars. Shalica went to get a cart from outside in the rain. Wheeling it around, she grinned and told John (who was holding the tank) to set it in. The cart was wet, but it didn’t matter; following the tank, they set the lid on top of it. They strolled happily to a different aisle. It was time for decorations. Eliane grabbed two bags of rainbow gravel for five dollars each. Perfect. Shalica grabbed two plastic plants, one orange and one purple. They didn’t have any price on them, so they put them at an estimated five dollars each just to make sure they had enough. This tank was going to be derpalicious. They walked back over to the fish. There was a Petco worker there. They didn’t ask any questions yet he gave advice anyways—what he said disheartened everyone. They would need a filter and a heater for any fish on the wall. The derp fish was a wall fish. He also mentioned that a new tank would have to be run for at least a week before any fish except feeder fish were put into it.
A little disgruntled, they went to the aisle with the filters and lamps. A lamp was thirty-five dollars. They found a cheap under-the-rock filter for eight dollars. A bit more somber, they added it all up. Eighty dollars. They were running low on funds—they hadn’t even put in the sixteen dollar fish into that total. It was cutting extremely close. They put the orange and purple plastic plants back on the aisle, much to Shalica’s distaste (“They looked pretty sweet,” she continually thought). They grabbed some cheap derptastic plastic grass. It was only three dollars. Instantly, Eliane remembered an aquarium kit in a different aisle. She asked John to add everything up that was in the kit. It was about sixty-eight dollars. The kit was only about forty-eight dollars. They took out the tank, filter, lamp, and lid, and put them back. Eliane grabbed the aquarium kit and asked John to hold the stuff that was still in the cart. He picked it all up and set it in the child’s seat of the cart. The box couldn’t fit with the pull-out child’s seat down. John derptastically dropped something; Shalica took the items out of the child seat, and finally, Eliane put the box in. John dropped something else. Laughing at his slight misfortune, they all picked everything up and put it around the large box in the center of the cart.
They carted over to the wall of fish, waiting for one of the Petco fish crew to inquire about their items, and if it was sufficient to the fish’s needs. Anxiously, John, Eliane and Shalica stood around the derp fish’s tank. A man with a Petco shirt labeled “Aquarium Expert” walked up and started fiddling with some things under the tanks. All three teens hesitated, each unwilling to ask the “fishy” stranger for help. Finally, he asked if we had any questions. Eliane uttered the weakest, most pathetic ‘Yes’ John and Shalica had ever heard. To regain her confidence, Eliane asked the question.
“Is what we have sufficient to have one of these?” Eliane pointed to the derp fish—A South American Cichlid.
“Well, these things get really big. I’ve seen one about this big.” He held his hands out to a little over a foot “You’d need at least a fifty gallon tank to have one of these things.”
They were disheartened. They looked at the closest thing to a fifty gallon tank we could find. A fifty-five gallon tank that was two hundred dollars. They didn’t have enough. Eliane looked to her left. There were koi. “You guys are stupid, there are koi right here!”
“I didn’t see them.”
“Neither did I.”
“Well, they get to be big too. Twenty-four inches.”
“And there’s still the thing about where to keep it and the week that the tank has to run.”
“Should we just get feeder fish?”
“Well, they’re just fifteen cents each, and Ari can name more of them.”
“Yeah. But does she even have enough space for a fish tank?”
“Oh yeah, and she lives in two different houses.”
“And she has other pets.”
“Two dogs and a cat.”
“Yeah, she has two cats and a dog.”
“…What?”
“Alkjejkglegkjngk ahhhhh I meant two dogs and a cat!!”
“…”
“Plus…she may forget to take care of it…”
“Yeahhhh…….”
“Should we just put everything back and go get some food?”
“Or playmobile.”
 |
It was decided. They put everything away. They would go downtown and buy presents. They all learned valuable lessons that day. They were that pets were expensive, shopping was hard, and that they should plan more; but overall that fish were stupid. They went downtown, wandered, bought presents, and eventually made it to Foster Freeze. They had some minor adventures on their way there. One included acid tablets. But that’s unimportant. What matters is that the Quest for Derp Fish had failed, and the best present ever would have to be put off to a later time. They waited for a long time in Foster Freeze for Shalica’s mom. She never showed up. Instead, Jake showed up and dropped everyone off after a long night. Everyone was happy that it was finally over, and even though they did not return victorious, they had fun and learned some valuable things. And Ari, they all hope that you enjoyed this story, all of it true. But most of all, they hope that you have a happy birthday…because fish are effing mofos.
Love,
Shalica, John, and Eliane
