So School ended on Thursday, but my last day of classes was Tuesday (because I was a senior). So the last time I saw the guy I sadly still like, was Tuesday, because I had the final for that class. But then there was a party at his host family's house on Saturday evening, and of course I went. I had a plan to tell him that I had liked him the entire year. So when we were going to leave we had to say goodbye, so Yukki pushed me towards him (cause everyone pretty much knows...), and I gave him a hug. And I was going to tell him. I was... at the last minute I lost my nerve. I always just lose my nerve, and I can't do anything, I can't say anything. No matter how much I would like to say that I liked him all year. How the first time I saw him walking down the 100 hall after I dropped my stuff off in French I had hoped that he was the new foreign exchange student Anna was excited about (because they both speak German). How I just had to laugh that his first day he was here, we went to the kitchen to cook quiche and crêpes, and word spread so fast and girls would come in with lame excuses, or none at all just to see who he was, and flirt with him. How I liked A days better because I got to see him. How when he left for sports, French didn't seem as fun. How when he sat in front of me and he had that necklace on I had to keep myself from playing with it (that sounds creepy, but I'm sorry if I'm sensory and it was the twisty kind. Those are the most fun to play with. Seriously.). How I was so crushed when he went to prom with someone else. How I come up with these bold plans, only to have them fail. How one day I was going to wink at him when we passed each other in the hall when Shaa and I were heading to science, but he wasn't there. How when I finally waved at him when heading to science (again), Beat called out to him and he turned around and didn't see me at all. How even when I thought I was starting to get over him, when he said "hi" to me in the 200 hall, I felt lighter than air. How in french I always felt bad for going along with the others and making fun of him, even though it was just so fun to tease him. How when he would turn around and play with the stuff on my desk, I could hardly breathe. How it took me forever to actually know what color his eyes are, just because I was too shy to make eye contact. How it took me all I had just to send a message on facebook. How at his party I was going to confess, lost my nerve at the last second, but I still want to tell him. I still want him to know, even if just to know how he feels about me. How I'm actually going to miss him when he's gone. How after I told him that I was going to miss him, even though I actually thought I was over him, when he uttered that simple "I'll miss you too" whether he meant it or not, it still made my heart skip a beat. And how I was going to send a text today, but didn't know what to say. How Shaa yelled at me because I was being stupid. How I knew that I didn't have a backbone, that I should just be a woman and say something or do something; finally follow through on one of my plans. How I really just wish I could go back to that first day and actually say something. How if I could do it all again... I would definitely go through with some of my plans... how I would be bold... how I wouldn't feel this disappointed about myself.
I would say all of this, but I can't. Maybe I'll man up and call him like Shaa says I should. Maybe I'll ask Koi to set up a nonchalant "hang out" day with some more people just so I can have another chance. Maybe if all else fails I'll send him a link to my blog and hope he reads it. Maybe he'll read the other ones about him, too. It's too bad that I'm on the East Coast for a week, and I'll only have 9 days from the time I get back to the day he leaves. Sorry if this post is a bit depressing... I'm just trying to figure out what I could say, what I should say... Because I need to say something to him about all this.
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