Workout Plan

So yesterday, I did my first workout for the Seventeen Magazine thing for the pact with Shaa. The workout for yesterday called for two 3lb weights, which I didn't have. So I took two old socks that I don't wear anymore, and filled them with rocks. The first time I weighed them, they were ~2lbs each. The second time ~3.5lbs each. I was like "forget it, I'm not changing them again" so I tied knots and started my workout. Today I woke up and thought "well, I'm not too sore, that's good" but throughout the day I started hurting. My back and my legs are so stiff and sore it's sad D: But I'm going to do my workout for today. -seriousface-

Artistic

I'm really artistic right now, and it might be because I just started a new Deviantart just for my photography, I'm putting all my acceptable photos up, and taking a whole lot more on this lovely 3-day weekend.

If you want to see the photographs, there's a link [Here]

Something I normally forget....

So I tend to forget this a lot, even though my friends sometimes tell me...
But lately I haven't been feeling the best about myself. I lack confidence, self esteem, and in my opinion, a whole lot more. But I have to learn to like myself a lot more. Sometimes I feel that if I'm proud of myself, or something I do, or even give myself a compliment, I'll get full of myself and I'll become arrogant, or maybe I'll start thinking I'm better than people. It's a trait that I don't like in others, so I try to squash down even the slightest hint of thinking that I'm actually a good person. But every once in a while people will tell me that I'm pretty, or I'm smart, or I have pretty blue eyes (can't deny the last part... they are blue...), but I feel that if someone says that I'm good at something or that I'm pretty then it's a hollow lie to make me feel good about myself.

But at the same time I want to be told that I'm pretty, or smart, or just given a compliment. I'm constantly looking for signs that people accept me, that I'm a good person, or that I have some redeeming quality that allows people to be my friends. Now, I'm sorry for you guys who are reading this, and it's not a push towards you guys to reassure me that I have good qualities... it's just a way that I can say my feelings, and not have to see the face of the person I'm telling it to. I can't see what I'll assume to be judgement in their eyes. I'm actually a very insecure person, and it's most likely because I don't let myself believe compliments, or I don't let myself think nice thoughts about me... That's actually a problem that I have when I have to write essays about myself (to colleges and such). I've repressed every notion that I have good qualities that I don't even know them. I have to ask my friends and family what they think my good points are.

I'm sorry if this post seems sad or depressing, I'm just trying to figure out what I feel...
But back to the title.
When I'm feeling down, like this week in particular, sometimes I'll let myself think something good about me. I'll look in the mirror and think "Damn I'm hot" or I'll think about school and think "ya know what? I'm actually pretty smart." But once I'm back up and feeling fine (normally after hanging out with my friends, because when I'm not "fine" I'll just sit in my room or sleep or something. Or read.... reading normally helps) I won't let myself think those things anymore. I'll point out everything that's bad or average about myself. Then I'll get down again. It's a never-ending cycle.

But the school year is almost over. It's almost summer. Next week, Shaa, Ari, and I are going to start a work-out pact (Because of the Seventeen Magazine subscription Shaa and I have now). I'm going to get into shape (not like I'm fat or anything, just unhealthy), eat better, start studying harder (maybe...), and work on my confidence. Summer is a time for me to just let go. Once I graduate, I'm going to make myself bolder. I'm going to do things that I've never done. I'm going to learn how to flirt. I'm going to flaunt myself in a bathingsuit instead of trying to cover my stomach. When I get to college, I am going to make new friends, start new relationships, maybe even get a boyfriend (winkwink). This blog post is my promise. Normally I don't tell anyone that I'm trying to change myself, that way if I fail I don't get embarrassed. But not this time. You can read this, and you can help pick me up when I fall. For that I thank you. <3

Sometimes people just piss me off.

So I was in Economy today, and we're starting this project (RIGHT after we turned in a project) where the class splits into two groups and we try to come up with a product and business and everything, and we're competing with the other group to get a grant from a benefactor. So I look at the paper and I'm thinking "wow, I won't be good at any of this... except maybe the 'promotion' subgroup... cause I can film, take photographs, and edit them... I'll try to get into that group -smile-"
So we discuss the products. Before we even divide into subgroups, I ask our elected "president" if I can be in the promotion subgroup. She says "yeah sure" and I thought she wrote it down (she wrote something down). Then someone was like "Yeah, we have to split into groups". And I thought to myself "Well I don't have to worry about that~" But oh no, I had to worry. Because I heard her say "You three in promotion" and I looked up. Three boys who would no doubt just have fun and mess it up were just put into my group. So I ask "Can I be in promotion group?" And she looks at me and says "It's already full. How about you go into distribution group, instead? It's pretty much the same thing." So I just sit there and think "How the heck is advertising and figuring out how the product gets from A to B the same thing? You said I could be in the group five minutes before we even picked groups." It made me wonder if she was playing favorites or if she forgot. Instead of asking again I should have said "I'm still on promotion group like you said I could be five minutes ago, right?" But no, I tried to calmly explain that the only thing I would be good at would be promotion group because I have a nice camera that can film and photoshop elements and I can make posters and stuff. What did the boys have? Nothing. Just a silly idea that they would film a commercial. So now I'm on a subgroup that I know nothing about and probably won't do well on. I don't even know who's on the group with me. Raver was going to be, but the pres decided that she should be on a different subgroup.

And to make everything better, when I was going home, I thought I would have a quiet ride home with either my brother or Shaa. But I didn't know that my brother still had tennis (so I ditched my stuff in the van) and walked to the spot, and apparently Shaa had already left (I don't blame her or anything, she probably had something to do), so I had to wait for the bus in the wind and cold, then sit on a seat filled with crumbs (luckily I got my own seat though... But it was in the mid-back of the bus) where people were yelling and throwing tortillas. I tried to drown it out, but it was terrible. I wanted to snap at them all and just tell them to all shut the eff up, but that wouldn't do anything. Then I had to wait. And walk home in the wind and cold.

But when I got home there was a seventeen magazine waiting for me :D

Over Him

I'm having a perfectly fine Facebook conversation with the guy I used to like and I realized something... I don't feel anything towards him anymore. It's sad really... The only time I actually have a decent 30-min or something conversation with him, I don't feel anything other than just the pure joy of talking so someone. Oh well. And this doesn't really deserve a blog post so....


LADY GAGA IS AWESOME. I'm listening to the new album on Youtube (I'll probably stay up later than I should), and it's like... omg... yay... I could listen to this forever...

Birthdays, Q-Prom, and Crazy Dreams

So It was Koi's birthday tomorrow, and his sister invited Mariah, Ari, Shaa, Karina (but she came late), Kaden (but she couldn't come), and I for a surprise breakfast. We showed up at around 9am, and waited quietly in the living room. Koi's mom called him out, saying that breakfast was ready, and so he walked out of his room and walked towards the living room. At the last second (before we yelled "Happy Birthday!") he mumbled "Gotta pee" and turned into the bathroom. We all had to keep in our laughter, because he didn't see us yet. But when he got out we all yelled happy birthday and everything, and ate some delicious breakfast. :D

After we ate we didn't know what to do so we chilled in the living room (and ate Ho-hos). We watched some TV but we mostly ended up taking naps. After we all woke up, Koi's mom ordered pizza and we ate a lunch/dinner type thing. Then we went back into the living room and napped more. But after that we played a game of Quelf and then we got ready. Ari did some really awesome paint with a fork and the purple body paint I had. It was tribal and almost henna-ish. But we got ready and headed out.

So we went to Q-prom, which was awesome. I made a mini-cuff (just three rows, but it broke halfway through the night). And so it was at the Children's Museum (so I ran around like a little kid most the time) but we danced and had fun and everything and I'm glad we went. I saw a lot of good friends there. And the Q-prom king and queen was cool. (I didn't know anyone running) The prom Queen was this chick named Charlie and I wanted to ask her where she got her outfit but I never really had the chance to (It was so cute! I was jealous) but I wanted this guy named Nira to win. (I really like that name, btw. "Nira". It's my backup name just in case I have two daughters. Rizelle and Nira).

But afterwards Shaa, Karina, Ari, and I went to Denny's. We were pretty much on crack by that point, and we were giggling and whatnot and we were just loud and crazy.

But yeah! I had this dream, and it was one of those dreams that keeps happening, but not exactly the same, they just parallel. But the parallels are: There are two groups which are mostly made up of assassins, and they try to catch each other (they're reported as "killed after capture" but in all the dreams I had the feeling that they never died), but there are exploding robot dogs that always mistake me as a target and I have to hit them off of a high place so they don't really explode then I fall down a hill of some sort. But in this dream there was Koi's mom who worked in the organization, and she brought us all to work with her, and she brought us to this one place and dropped us off at this desert place. And we had to trek to the building cause she had to do something beforehand. So one of my friends who I had seen at Q-prom was there, Raver, and she was this freaky assassin chick. Nothing like her normal personality. And when we walked up this hill, I got a thorn (which was a special thorn that won't come out of skin for some reason) stuck in my leg and Raver leaned down and said "they stay in for every person you've killed." (but I wasn't an assassin and idk if I had killed anyone.) But it was super-weird. But then we got to the top of the desert-hill and there was the big compound below. And I started crawling all stealthy-like to impress my friends (all in good fun) and this cute robot dog thought I was a trespasser and tried to blow me up, so I hit it into the air and I ended up having to roll down the hill cause of the blast. But then it went into a little in the future where we were inside the compound and Koi's mom was giving us the tour.
We walked into a cell and there was this guy who I had seen at Q-prom (idk his name, but in the dream his name was "Iso" (pronounce ee-soh)) And I had never actually seen a prisoner before, but I felt that it was wrong to kill people for being rivals. Idk it was weird. But then it fast-forwarded to the future and I had two little kids, a boy named Iso and a girl named Nira. (I guess I really liked the name) but I looked at my son and  wondered what happened to the original Iso, and I felt he wasn't dead. So I went and asked the lady in charge and she was like "Oh? Him? He was turned into this color" and pointed to a gold swatch. (I guess when people are killed they turn into colors? It made sense in the dream) And then idk... I think I woke up... Either that or I forgot the rest. OH WAIT. There was one part where they had captured a little girl and they were sewing her a dress and I wondered why they would make them nice clothes if they were just going to kill them. More evidence towards they're all still alive. But it was a really weird dream.

Anywho! I got home at 2 and woke up at 8 and tried to wash the paint off and ended up taking an hour just to scrub it all off. And now I should really be working on a project for school which is due Tuesday but I think I'll get breakfast/lunch first because my stomach started growling. :3

Trucks.

They remind me of puppies.