Something I normally forget....

So I tend to forget this a lot, even though my friends sometimes tell me...
But lately I haven't been feeling the best about myself. I lack confidence, self esteem, and in my opinion, a whole lot more. But I have to learn to like myself a lot more. Sometimes I feel that if I'm proud of myself, or something I do, or even give myself a compliment, I'll get full of myself and I'll become arrogant, or maybe I'll start thinking I'm better than people. It's a trait that I don't like in others, so I try to squash down even the slightest hint of thinking that I'm actually a good person. But every once in a while people will tell me that I'm pretty, or I'm smart, or I have pretty blue eyes (can't deny the last part... they are blue...), but I feel that if someone says that I'm good at something or that I'm pretty then it's a hollow lie to make me feel good about myself.

But at the same time I want to be told that I'm pretty, or smart, or just given a compliment. I'm constantly looking for signs that people accept me, that I'm a good person, or that I have some redeeming quality that allows people to be my friends. Now, I'm sorry for you guys who are reading this, and it's not a push towards you guys to reassure me that I have good qualities... it's just a way that I can say my feelings, and not have to see the face of the person I'm telling it to. I can't see what I'll assume to be judgement in their eyes. I'm actually a very insecure person, and it's most likely because I don't let myself believe compliments, or I don't let myself think nice thoughts about me... That's actually a problem that I have when I have to write essays about myself (to colleges and such). I've repressed every notion that I have good qualities that I don't even know them. I have to ask my friends and family what they think my good points are.

I'm sorry if this post seems sad or depressing, I'm just trying to figure out what I feel...
But back to the title.
When I'm feeling down, like this week in particular, sometimes I'll let myself think something good about me. I'll look in the mirror and think "Damn I'm hot" or I'll think about school and think "ya know what? I'm actually pretty smart." But once I'm back up and feeling fine (normally after hanging out with my friends, because when I'm not "fine" I'll just sit in my room or sleep or something. Or read.... reading normally helps) I won't let myself think those things anymore. I'll point out everything that's bad or average about myself. Then I'll get down again. It's a never-ending cycle.

But the school year is almost over. It's almost summer. Next week, Shaa, Ari, and I are going to start a work-out pact (Because of the Seventeen Magazine subscription Shaa and I have now). I'm going to get into shape (not like I'm fat or anything, just unhealthy), eat better, start studying harder (maybe...), and work on my confidence. Summer is a time for me to just let go. Once I graduate, I'm going to make myself bolder. I'm going to do things that I've never done. I'm going to learn how to flirt. I'm going to flaunt myself in a bathingsuit instead of trying to cover my stomach. When I get to college, I am going to make new friends, start new relationships, maybe even get a boyfriend (winkwink). This blog post is my promise. Normally I don't tell anyone that I'm trying to change myself, that way if I fail I don't get embarrassed. But not this time. You can read this, and you can help pick me up when I fall. For that I thank you. <3